Free

My bare toes curl around the jagged rock, gripping tight, and my arms wobble at my side.  I attempt to steady myself while minding the beer that splashes from the white-knuckle-incased can held in my hand.  My head hinges back and uncontrollable, ab-engaging laughter erupts from my gut, completely countering the balancing act my toes and arms are struggling to maintain.

Powerful Pacific waves crash relentlessly against the rocks we stand atop– each saltwater arch provoking a new bout of girly screams as it shatters against the sea stacks.  Ocean water sprays from the surrounding rocks and we gain control of our giggles moments before another swell soaks us.

The lighthearted moment epitomizes what it is to be carefree.

We’ve drank our fair shares of cheap, terrible tasting, local beers.  A hot, squint-inducing, yellow sun hangs high in the sky.  We’re surrounded by the incredible natural beauty that is the north-pacific coast.  Aside from being knocked from the craggy rocks and swept away with the ocean current, we have no worry in the world. In those thrilling moments, life is purely perfect.

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This world

In times of publicized tragedy, my generation tends to take two sides.  While some utilize the scads of social networks at their fingertips to offer thoughts and hashtag the happenings at second-by-second intervals, the rest of us open our screens, refresh our news feeds, scroll through endless 140-character updates and watch the commentary of our peers roll out.  I tend to fall in the latter group.  Safe in my medium-sized Wisconsin city, these disasters seem unreal.  Like many of my Midwestern neighbors, I am just a viewer of the various attacks that regularly play out in America and throughout our world.

But something about the Boston Marathon Bombings seemed especially erratic.

Sure, nothing is ever right about the senseless violence that has become unsettled commonplace in our world today, but as someone who has spent half her life in a post 9/11 world, these attacks aren’t unfamiliar.

As a 12-year-old, though, what happened on September 11, 2001 was new. My middle school classmates and I sat in our desks, aghast at the sites that played out  on television.  We were too young to remember the Oklahoma City Bombing and had no idea that a car bomb killed and injured people in that same World Trade Center building eights years prior.  Before that morning we had no idea that there were groups of people that hated humanity.

After that we’ve come to terms with the fact that people are more suspicious of one another, that our bags are searched before we enter sporting events, that the pilots of our planes are no longer visible through an open curtain and that there are truly evil beings in this world that aim to hurt happy people.

As I watch these tragedies play out and listen to what everyone has to say, I find it easiest to turn away from the pain.  I want to take in all of the information and news and commentary I can tonight and tomorrow morning I want to wake up and I want to forget about it.  Because as a viewer that lives hundreds and thousands of miles away from these events, I don’t want to think about how scary and awful and real these things are.  I want to go back to a worry-free life and I want the world to be a good place.

But there’s something different about the Boston Marathon Bombings.

When I lit up my phone this afternoon, as with every other tragedy, my heart sank.  I spent a few seconds absorbing my Twitter feed and clicked my phone off.  Then I remembered that this incident wasn’t one that I was completely disconnected from.  My very best friend has called Boston home for the past year and a half.

Realizing that Boston is a huge city, I sent a simple text.

I realize you aren’t running the marathon, but I hope you’re keeping safe out there in Boston, my love, I typed.

Within minutes I received a response.

I was a mile and a half away. A little too close for comfort, she wrote.

A little too close for comfort indeed.

In this world where we are all so connected, we somehow remain disconnected from those around us–friends, family and strangers alike.  I watch these endless tragedies play out on my screens and forget how close to home they can actually hit.  Our world is a lot smaller than we realize.  And while our world has ways of reminding us that it’s a lot more evil than we realize, humanity has a way of overcoming.

I know that when I wake up tomorrow morning my television, computer and phone will continue to carry news of the tragedy that took place at a time when people were supposed to be celebrating.  At a time when athletes were realizing their dreams and crossing a prestigious marathon finish line.  At a time when onlookers were cheering on runners during a celebratory Massachusetts holiday.  But when I wake up tomorrow I don’t want to hear about all of the sadness.  I want to know that for the most part humanity is still good.  That while we watch from afar at what happened somewhere else in our world, and we type out messages to people we don’t know in regard to events that seem distant, we keep in mind that we are all a lot closer and a lot more connected than we think.

A First Love Story

Cheesy love stories are nothing new.  We’ve all suffered through those cringe-worthy tales of the buff man sweeping the waif off her feet and carrying her on horseback into the sunset. We know the plot. We get the ending.  We’ve heard it countless times and scoffed at every new recreation of the tale.  And while my story loosely follows the same outline, it’s different. I haven’t yet reached the sunset, my ending hasn’t come.

Every girl is worthy of candlelit homemade meals and “Good Morning Beautiful” text messages. But at 23 and eternally single, I was fairly certain those things were never coming my way.  That is until a co-worker from my cubicle job asked me how old I was.  A constant worrier of age, I retorted the question to her.

“How old do you think I am, Kay?”

After overcoming the understandable shock to her answer of 26(!), I moved forward with the conversation; I could tell she was scheming something and I wanted to get to the end of it.  She proceeded to ask if I was single and with my response of “Yes” jumped into a full-out campaign for her 22-year-old son.  I wasn’t buying what she was selling and when she asked if I would go on a date with him, I half-heartedly said yes in hopes of escaping the situation that was growing increasingly awkward by the second.  When she showed up at my cube a few minutes later to retrieve my phone number, I was stunned.  Not wanting to make for uncomfortable workplace run-ins, I begrudgingly handed over my digits on a ripped off post-it, never expecting to hear from her son, who I had to assume was socially awkward.

Much to my surprise and a bit unwelcome, a few days later I was greeted with a clumsy voicemail from a guy I had no intention of meeting.  We played a weeklong game of phone tag and I decided that was enough.

I would tell Kay, I had tried to get in contact with her son, but alas I was too busy and we could never find the time to connect.  I was looking forward to finishing this ungraceful exchange and remaining perpetually single.

That all changed, though, when I finally decided to answer his persistent calls.  He had broken my self-appointed Rules of Phone Tag and doubled up on a phone call before I could ring him back.  At that point I figured two things:  1. This guy is relentless and if I don’t accept this call there will surely be more calls to contend with and 2. Why not?

To my relief, that first phone conversation went much smoother than the voice message he’d left days earlier.  There was no stumbling over words and awkward pauses.  I decided a drink or two couldn’t be that awful and agreed to meet the guy.

A few days later I aimlessly walked into a local bar, only knowing Eugene’s  name and height: 6′ 5″.

My heart sank as I laid eyes on a hunched man sitting with his back to the door, donning an outdated striped polo and sweat-stained backward hat.  From what I gathered the few seconds I’d been in the bar, this guy was the only solo person in the place.  The temptation to spin on my heel and skedaddle from the scene was only halted by a tall guy on the other side of the bar, staring straight at me and grinning like a goon.  Having no idea what my mystery man looked like, a flood of relief washed over me as I realized ah yes, that must be Eugene.

We spent the next three hours talking about things that only Eugene, with his steel trap mind, can recall.  And as I apprehensively cut the date short at 10:30 p.m., I walked out of the bar knowing I had met one of those amazing guys you hardly believed were out there.

We spent the next six months slowly falling in love.  I introduced him to Rihanna and downhill skiing and he taught me how to play chess and eat eggs.  There was even a kiss good night that was met with an electric shock to our lips or “the spark between us,” Eugene sarcastically explained.

After spending every available moment, hour and day we could together my Eugene shipped off to the Air Force a week ago–a commitment he signed up for months before we met.  He’s been gone for a mere seven days, but it already feels much longer.  I’m constantly met with the question of when he’s returning, to which I can only reply, “no time in the foreseeable future.”  After boot camp comes training and then he’s sent to the base he’ll call home for the next six or so years… wherever that may be.  I told him I’d follow him most anywhere, save Iowa or Nebraska.  But while I wait in Wisconsin, I can’t help but reflect on how perfect the past six months have been.

Nobody wants to hear a cheesy love story, because they don’t believe they’re real and can’t ever imagine they’ll find themselves in the midst of one.  But as a former semi-cynical single now waiting at the sunset, I can assure you that your day will come.  It’s kind of true what those stories say about love.

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Summer

Wonderment through the eyes of my niece, Summer.

Midsummer’s Panic Attack


Before my dad committed the ultimate misdeed two summers ago and sold our ’92 Malibu Sunsetter  to a family that undoubtably loved it less than we did, countless summer hours revolved around ‘The Pink Boat’.  And while certain days spent skiing behind that pink and grey-striped beauty stand out more than others, there is one particular day that rises far above the rest.

The July sun was hot and Lake Wisconsin was glass calm and virtually vacant of boats as my friend, Danielle, and I heaved our heavy wood-plank swivel skis into the water before jumping in after them.  At the time, we were both fairly new to swiveling, a form of skiing in which the binding platform is mounted onto a wide single ski and able to rotate 360°.  As we treaded water and slowly detangled our respective ski ropes, my dad began to idle the boat while Danielle’s twin, Mallory, sat spotter.

With our right feet slipped into the swivel binding and our ropes pulled taught, we both hollered “Go Boat” before my dad pushed the throttle down and pulled the two of us out of the water.

One of the first tricks any new swiveler learns is the toe turn, a move in which the skier rotates 180° with her free foot slipped through a hold in the rope’s handle.  The opposite end of the ski rope is attached to a pin release, rather than a pylon, which allows the spotter in the boat to detach the rope, should the skier fall.

Coasting above the water, Dani and I each lifted our left legs and wriggled the soles of our feet through the toe hold in the rope.  Because we were just learning toe turns, we took turns rotating one-at-a-time.

With my right foot firmly planted on my gliding ski and left leg secured in the rope, I held my arms out to support Dani as she prepared to turn.  Dani gracefully lifted her arms above her head and simultaneously shifted her hips and shoulders to the horizon behind us as she turned backward with a click.

With Dani safely turned and riding backward on her ski, I relaxed a bit in my toe hold and began to survey the water beneath me.  Glints of silver flashes around the edge of the boat wake quickly caught my eye.

Just as my heart rate spiked and I came to the realization that the silver glints were actually what I can now only assume were hundreds of minnows, I opened my mouth to alert Dani of the trouble lurking below.  I was, unfortunately, a moment too late.  Tired of riding backward, Dani initiated her forward toe turn.

The recovery of a toe turn is more difficult than the initial turn.

At age 16, few things terrified me more than fish.

My blood curdling screams pierced the cottages surrounding Lake Wisconsin before my ski even sank in the water.

Dani had lost her balance on the recovery, which subsequently led to Mallory pulling the pin and releasing both of our ropes from the boat.  While Dani plunged into the water, I slowly glided to a stop, fully of the aware of my minnow-filled fate.

Once submerged in Lake Wisconsin’s brown waters the school of minnows that had been jumping along the moving wake were now jumping around us.  I frantically thrashed the water in an attempt to spook the little fish as they jumped onto my head and shoulders and bumped against my body.  Sixteen-year-old Kelsey Bewick was out of her mind.

My flailing only intensified when I accidently kicked an unknown solid beneath me.  Fearing that I had come in contact with a larger fish, or some unknown Lake Wisconsin water-creature, I began screaming and splashing uncontrollably.

It turns out the unknown solid beneath me was sand.  We had been pinned in only four feet of water and could have easily stood and gained our composure… but we were far beyond that point of return.

With my unreasonable panic attack raging in full force, my dad quickly maneuvered The Pink Boat to the scene of the crime.  Initially unaware that our screams were the result of being dropped into a school of minnows, my dad arrived thinking that one of us was seriously hurt.  To say that my he was not pleased upon discovering the cause of our frantic screams and unrestrained thrashing would be an understatement.

The Pink Boat was put away for the day following that episode.  And while I remained a bit leery about skiing amongst my minnow enemies for a few weeks following the incident, I did apprehensively return to Lake Wisconsin’s murky waters.

Seven summers later, not a year has gone by where Dani, Mal and I don’t look back on that fateful day and laugh in hysterics.  Because regardless if a day is generally awful or great, any summer day spent on a boat in the middle of a lake is memorable… some more than others.

An open cry to everyone living their dreams

An open cry to everyone living their dreams:

Good for you.

For just a moment I’ll let those three words slowly drip with thick bitter sarcasm before I wipe up the jealous mess I’ve made and hide my resentment so that I don’t appear ungrateful for the wonderful life I’ve lived thus far.

In all honesty I am completely coveting of your life, your drive, your fearlessness, your ambitious attitude, your willingness to push aside the naysayers and your unwavering way of pulling your dreams from the clouds and living them.  Because as I fight to find balance between societal constraints and my unflinching desire to make whatever dream I have at the moment a reality, I am quickly discovering that creating the life I dreamed of living when I was 16, 18 and 22 is more difficult than I imagined.

Though the phrase is often used, living the the dream is an incredibly subjective term.  I am, however, almost certain that one of my best friends epitomizes the general concept.  From the moment I met her nearly nine years ago, she’s always seemed to know what she wants out of life and she continually chases it.  For the third time in the past four years, she’s currently living in South America and from what I’ve gathered through both past and current conversations, her experiences have not only been unique, but also life-changing.

While it’s easy to grow jealous of her gallivanting  through Uruguay, Argentina and Chile and become envious of her countless amazing experiences, she’s helped me realize that jumping headfirst into the life you want also means letting go of things that we hold close.

“I stress a lot about the future and plans and goals and money and everything that everyone else does, but sometimes I step back and realize where I am today and forget all of that,” she wrote to me in a recent message.

Though these revelations put the dream life she’s living into perspective, they also cause my jealousy to fester.  For as large and persistent as my dreams are, I’m unsure if I would ever be fearless enough to leave behind family, friends and familiarity to ultimately take my life where I want it to go.

So to you, you dream-liver: My envy toward you only increases.  Not only are you trekking through our world, but you are somehow also holding any uncertainties you may have about the future at bay and allowing yourself to be immersed in your present journey.  You are fearless and you are living a rare and absolutely amazing life because of it.

And here I stand with the tips of my toes hanging off the the bobbing diving board, waiting for the ripples in the water beneath me to settle before I jump headfirst into my dreams.  But while I wait, I’ll remind myself of a thought that my dream-chasing friend has come to realize through her numerous South American escapades:

“I think we all forget, in the USA, to stop and smell the roses,” she reminded me once.

The end of an era

Faded denim barely peeked out between the plethora of colorful Harley-Davidson patches and golden pins that adorned almost the entirety of my jacket.  The denim arms reached high toward the  handlebars– quite the stretch for a little girl– and the denim back contorted as  ballet-slippered feet reached out as far as they could.

This had become something of a Saturday morning ritual; my dad would leave for work and I’d follow him down to the garage.  Outfitted in my deep pink tights and ballet leotard, I’d grab my dad’s steady hand as I swung my leg around the leather seat of his motorcycle.  He’d position me toward the back of the bike and I would will my legs to stretch the few inches that separated the bottom of my shoes from the top of the passenger pegs.

When you’re feet touch the foot pegs, you can ride on the back of the bike, was the dreaded phrase I repeatedly heard growing up.

My dad has owned three Harley-Davidson motorcycles since I could speak.  I know this because just as many times as my dad reminded me that my feet must touch the pegs in order to ride, I’ve told others that my dad owned three bikes.  Some way or another certain conversations were always led there.

But as of March 20th my dad no longer owns three Harley-Davidson motorcycles.  My dad has two bikes now, and that number will soon be one.  It’s silly that one person should own three motorcycles, but as these constants leave our garage one at a time, I can’t help but feel like an era is ending.

 

It was always clear when motorcycle season had arrived on Tarragon Drive.  My dad would relocate his three bikes from the shed to the garage; thus displacing his truck, which would spend spring, summer and fall parked in the driveway.  The far side of the garage belonged to the bikes during those seasons.

Before my dad would take a bike for a ride, he’d wheel it out to the driveway, switch the ignition, rev the motor, and let the bike warm up.  This was my cue to fly down the steps and hop onto the back of the bike-in-waiting, in hopes that this day would bring with it a significant-enough growth spurt to allow my feet to touch the pedals.  Never the case.

As a child it was my official duty to keep an ear out for the rumble of my dad’s Harley roaring down the street.  He’d pull into the driveway and wait on his bike while I descended the steps to the basement and opened the garage door for him.  This situation tended to allow for yet another chance to test my leg-length.  Of course mounting the motorcycle after it had been ridden was a dangerous task due to the hot pipes running along the sides of the bike.  But being the Harley protege that I was, I clearly lived my young life on the edge and risked 2nd degree burns in hopes that my feet would reach the pegs this time.

On hot summer days my dad would wheel each of his three bikes out of the garage and onto the driveway to be washed.  In the same fashion he moved his motorcycles, I’d heave my majenta Trek bicycle out to the driveway alongside one of his Harleys.  My dad and I would meet in the middle, soaping our sponges in the same bucket before parting ways to to scrub the debris off our respective bikes.

Our family road trips were not mapped out according to cheesy tourist destinations, but instead routed according to Harley-Davidson dealerships.  My parents would even consult the yearly Harley-Davidson atlas that conveniently remained tucked behind the driver’s seat of our Blazer.  An hour or so down the road, it was not uncommon to hear my dad asking my mom where the next dealership was.  We’d even drive a good hour out of our way to stop at a previously unvisited dealership.

I credit the strong bond I had with my Grandma Stella to the amount of weekend/weeklong motorcycle trips my parents took while I was growing up.  They’d pack their belongings into the back of my dad’s H-D Dresser and I’d be shipped off to Grandma’s house.  Being that this was a time before cellphones, we’d only to hear from my parents when they’d found a hotel for the night.  While my Grandma Stella and I weren’t doing grandma-granddaughter things, we’d speculate about the souvenirs my parents would return with; this would undoubtedly always include at least two Harley-Davidson t-shirts for me to add to a collection that was already out of control for a girl who liked pink ruffles.

And before long, my feet did grace the top of the foot pegs on one of my dad’s smaller motorcycles.  My dad prepared me for my premiere ride by pushing a scratched black helmet onto my head and advising me to slip on my fringed Harley jacket.  I felt like the biggest boy.  I even made sure the tips of my ponytail fringed out the back of my helmet so that the neighbor boys wouldn’t doubt that I was still a girl.

 

To say that my childhood was sprinkled with memories of Harley-Davidson motorcycles would be an understatement.  I grew up associating my dad with his three motorcycles and I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness as I walk into our garage.  My dad’s black truck sits parked in the motorcycles’ former spot at the far end of the garage and one lonely bike leans on it’s kickstand, crowded between two vehicles.